LIFE IS LIKE MY COCK ON CHOCOLATES

avalanche of boulders

2012-02-02T09:24:00.003-05:00

in 2006, me and my producer friend T. Jerk teamed up for a project that we would end up calling "20 Minute Records" where he would come over with beats that he had made in 20 minutes and i would have 20 minutes to write/freestyle and record the lyrics. we did 10 or so songs like this ... but this was always my favorite. i love the old school samples for the beat, and i just had to run with Ghostface-style vocals for this. wish i got to rap like this more often. you can download it for free HERE.

creep

2012-01-22T00:33:00.000-05:00

TOP 15 of 2011

2011-12-28T19:51:00.028-05:00

1 Smart Phones - i got an HTC EVO this year. i am sure that i don't do anywhere near the shit on it that it is capable of, but between (is that what you say? between? i'm way too high right now, that just sounds ridiculous for some reason) being able to check my email facebook twitter on the fly, angry birds style video games, decent pictures and video, talking out texts, and hella hella googling - i am super stoked. big step up from the Rumor.

2 DJ Quik The Book Of David - i have been a DJ Quik fan since i first heard him in 7th grade. Quik is a world class producer, but he can rap better than most. Ghetto Rendezvous is a great example of this. plus, this album reminded me of how good Suga Free is.

3 Diet Cheerwine aka DC - Splenda®, bitch. i like to pound one for breakfast. i drank more Cheerwine this year than in my entire life. it's delicious.

4 Getting Faded And Ordering Clothes Online - if it wasn't for that, i would have got wayyyy less gear this year. laying in bed, super buzzed with my laptop, not a care in the world except trying to figure out how big the model is so i can determine whether or not i need a small or medium.

5 Heads On Sticks - HoS fucking ruled this year. songs like Alabaster really set HoS apart from any other act. and we did Bull Horns, which was definitely one of the hottest local collabs of 2011. if you didn't have a crush on David Mueller, then you were not straight or gay.

6 Tipping - tipping is cool, and if you suck at it, then you are an asshole. what goes around comes around, so even if just for karma, you should go h.a.m. when you tip. plus people who work jobs where they get tips usually work pretty hard. you don't have to tip someone who sucks, i guess, just don't be a dick. i did some pretty swell tipping this year, and i feel good about that.

7 Kings Barcade - this is my favorite venue in the Triangle right now, i had so many great times there this year, whether i was playing or not - like when that huge fat guy was on stage with me and i did a song on his back, some rad dates and dancing, and LOTS of champagne cocktails. Raleigh knows how to party and some of the bartenders there are the homeys and the sound is on point and then sound guys are nice and the space is cool and i just fucking like it. i googled images of Kings and the 3rd picture was this weird one with Mike Dillon in it.

8 Twisted Noodles - fuck, i wore this place out, mostly the semi-new location at Eastgate in Chapel Hill. i ate so much tom kha noodles this year, i craved that shit. but today it kind of grossed me out for some reason, i guess it was bound to happen. but definitely a favorite of 2011.

9 Motorcycles - motorcycles are the best! my bike is sick and was hooked up by Combustion Cycles, those guys are the homeys, they are awesome. so many good times on motorcycles this year: going to Ohio to pick one up and taking turns riding it back, delivering records to stores in half the time it would have taken in a car, riding all around with my boo, going nuts with Jake - i would post a picture on here but i don't want to get the haters all worked up. also, i don't want you to know it's me when i go by doing something really stupid, like drinking a milkshake. aw, fuck it, here's a picture. that's Jake's bike on the left.

10 Veelee - Veelee was one of the best bands of 2011, obviously. i truly dug their music and saw so many good shows. i loved The Future Sight and that i got to work with them. they are both good friends and i think they totally made a lot of people stoked.

11 Guns - guns are cool, get over it. shot a bunch of guns in 2011, including a shotgun and gnarly rifle for the first time. wear ear protection for fuck's sake, it doesn't make you a pussy. that saturday with my good friends was one of the best days of 2011. see more photos of that day here.

12 Subtitle Brief Bloom and s.h.a.r.k. BRIEF - while you were jocking Odd Future, you were busy not jocking Subtitle. both of these records had dope shit on them, particularly hot mess (i'm a) off s.h.a.r.k. BRIEF. this dude has BEEN weird, and is another consistent producer/rapper combo. pretty strange that he is not an underground household name. i mean, he is. but a much bigger one. i could say more, but he says enough about himself.

13 Durham - man, now that Durham seems to be sucking its own dick a little less, i am really starting to dig it. i hung out a lot more there this year, even more than when i lived and worked there, and i got to say i am stoked on Durham. my favorite things are/were the female luchador wrestling and the Halloween dance party at Motorco, the Pinhook anniversary parties (my freestyle with Javelin!), The Carrack art gallery, Big Freedia at Casbah, brunch at Watts, hanging out on Gattis Street, Combustion Cycles, Duke Gardens, Whiskey, shirlette ammons, Maria Albani, Saigon Grill, Chasing The Unicorn (and the premiere at Motorco -- amazing!), and the unofficial funeral i saw on the side of 15-501. pretty bummed i didn't go to a baseball game.

14 Drugs - drugs felt good this year.

15 Netflix - see above. holy shit, Jake and i made couches our bitches in 2011. i/we watched so many many movies. only on the watch instantly streaming tip, fuck getting movies in the mail. but yeah, it was the best. the BEST. i gave a lot of garbage a chance this year, like Cool As Ice (which i couldn't get through no matter how many times i tried). i discovered that the Koreans and the French make really great movies and that sometimes you will say to yourself that you really wanna watch so-and-so and you can actually find it on there! oh Netflix, you were really good to me in 2011. thank you so much. Vanilla Ice, go fuck yourself hard on a cactus because you are a disgusting human being. i can't believe someone let you say "schling a schlong" in a goddam movie.

NYE w GT and DUT

2011-12-22T16:40:00.000-05:00

o saturday

2011-12-06T19:05:00.011-05:00

(this was about halfway through the day. it doesn't work anymore.)

"what are you gonna do today?"

2011-11-03T12:57:00.001-04:00

"shave?"

you know what he's got that you don't?

2011-10-25T23:50:00.003-04:00

and how.

gawwwww, finally.

2011-10-11T22:08:00.003-04:00

i wish i saw more posts like this instead of references to my "fat thighs" and "arrogant walk".

the hopscotch song

2011-09-13T12:08:00.006-04:00

uh, guess i should have posted this last week, but there was too much going on with said music festival and other such fun times and hair-pulling/ripping. basically what we have here is a song i did to insert myself in the madness and fun of Hopscotch Music Festival which i played in last year and had a blast. i shouted out some of the local celebrities and friends one might have encountered. fun was had at their expense, and since i am flipping "going back to cali" i had to do ridiculous whisper lyrics. i wish i had an excuse to do that more often. but yeah, no one is supposed to be offended by this.

the hopscotch song.

get under the table

2011-08-24T01:00:00.006-04:00

mmmkay. so, like, today there was an earthquake. it was totally small n all, but it was HERE. felt. in NC. where we don't have earthquake drills. we have hurricane drills. and we probably got a hurricane coming this weekend. so this shit is just wild to me.

i am borrowing a casio sk-1 from my dear friend, matt park. i decided to break it in today and as the song took shape, i started rapping about the earthquake. so here it is. the earthquake (hurricane) song.

download it for free or stream it: CLICK ME

wonder what plan i will use to survive by?

2011-08-09T15:10:00.004-04:00

new song, billy idol flip. emo G shit. holler back.

thug motivation

2011-08-09T14:15:00.001-04:00

nuff said.

meet me at the trap. it's going down.

2011-08-09T11:14:00.004-04:00

at The Locker Room, the mansion i live in with Jake Neal, we got some roaches. big dogs, little dogs. black, brown, black and brown. some high, some low. one named Mary Jo.

they mostly kick it in the kitchen, but they have been known to crawl in bed with us or skitter through a young lady's hair, laying eggs no doubt.

on a whim, i put down some roach traps from a dusty box with a picture of James Madison on the side, so they must be old.

there were only 3 left. i put one on the kitchen counter, one under the sink, and one in the corner where Jake's room and my room meet, so that the roaches who play favorites will all have an equal distance to death.

last nite i thought that i had been seeing way less roaches. i wanted to say something to jake about it, but i didn't, for fear of some joke at my expense. (why would there be a joke at my expense for something simple like that? do you even know Jake??) about 15 minutes later, Jake made a comment about seeing less roaches. it must be so, then.

anyone got an opinion on roach traps? do they work? our shit was HECTIC for a while there. is it a weather change? the fact that we are keeping the AC at 65, runnin around in sweaters with hard ass nipples? is Izzy Da Kat eating more and more bugs since we have not given her any kibbles since June? i would love to think that three little translucent black poison boxes the size of a matchbox car could single-handedly bring down the gang of street toughs that have been terrorizing our neighborhood all summer. thoughts?

lying over you

2011-07-23T00:33:00.002-04:00

i'm really proud of this.

cover girl

2011-07-13T13:03:00.004-04:00

well, me and my golden mistress have hit the big time. after contacting various publications and news programs about our golden offspring and how we plan to raise him together as an intermineral couple, we finally got a bite from FEED Magazine. they wrote a great story on me as Juan Huevos, as well as documenting our struggle, from the incessant shouts of "Goldfinger sucks!" and "Goldie lover!" and "How's the porridge?!?" to the constant stares to all the money we spend on polishes and rags to keep her and our baby shiny ... it's been tough. really, really tough.

read the article: thefayettevillefeed.com/the-golden-era-of-juan-huevos
photographer: raulrubiera.com/site/gallery/portraits/

re: my new album

2011-07-10T19:04:00.008-04:00

well, it only took almost 2 years for me to have a proper release since i dropped Treasure Bath in October of 2009.

i have some things i want to say about that time period of my life and how it directly relates to this record, but i think i just won't.

i didn't set out to make a (mostly) non-rap record with Stoic And Cowboyesque, but as the songs came about, i wanted it to be that way. "Swatch Watch" was a last-minute replacement for a rap cover of The Beautiful Ones that i produced myself and was mildly proud of.

i had originally wanted to name the EP Single White Male but after my friend Hannah described the staring-deeply-into-a-houseplant-while-i-stand-up-and-drink-beer-solo-at-a-bar style that i was sporting one evening, i knew had something better to call it.

"Low Low" was actually started in 2008, but finished just recently since i was finally able to figure out what direction to take the vocals after re-visiting it and fleshing out the production more.

i wish i would have had Shane Hartman do more on the record, but all he did was play bass on "Door Test". Nick Petersen mastered the album, and helped preserve the heat that gets lost between my 8-track and my computer, as well as bringing out the low end and fuzz that helps distinguish these songs from a lot of my other music.

B.E.A.R. is the crew, Grip Tapes is the label, The Locker Room is the crib, and J Waves is the alter ego. can i get an amen?

i could say more, but why?

download this bitch ---> Stoic And Cowboyesque - it's free. duh.

roadside attraction

2011-06-30T16:48:00.004-04:00

droppin a deuce by the side of the highway in Columbus, OH. sometimes it's better than the alternative. photo courtesy of George Brazil, my lookout and, apparently, photographer.

crev.

deadwood

2011-06-29T12:14:00.004-04:00

from my show with The Memorials. photo by Nicholas Williams, who knows what angle to shoot a photo when there is a tiny, weak-looking crowd. he also took some of the band that are on their site.

get like me

2011-06-28T19:24:00.000-04:00

we work together

2011-04-27T12:46:00.000-04:00

haircut time

2011-04-27T00:08:00.000-04:00

new track with Heads On Sticks

2011-04-19T12:37:00.003-04:00

me and the homey done did it, y'all. a brand new track with various versions awaits you by clicking ... right .... here.

brought to you by Grip Tapes.

Run Tell Dat

2011-03-31T14:33:00.001-04:00

my roommate's in a band. it's called Run Tell Dat. he's the only one in it.

purple

2011-03-23T13:52:00.003-04:00

Prince is tonight, y'all. i am so excited. i am going with mark little aka MGL and we been homeys and Prince fanatics since we met in '89.

i wrote a blog for The Vinyl District and made them a free downloadable mix that you can get from their site or right here ---> Huevos Favorites

2011-03-21T22:13:00.000-04:00

plague pt. 2

2011-03-15T11:08:00.001-04:00

i couldn't just leave it there.

plague

2011-03-10T11:56:00.010-05:00

i am so sick of that deadmau5 dude and his dumb ass helmet and how linking up his website here made firefox crash. i only thought of him just now because of what happened and i wanted some kind of intro beyond "on my way out of whole foods today, i saw something weird." k, here we go.

on my way out of whole foods today, i saw something weird. well, not so much weird, though it became weird. it looked like there was a piece of leather hanging down from the hubcap on my back wheel. (the photo above is from later. when i saw it, it was facing down.) i debated just letting it ride but i wanted to make sure it wasn't, like, a piece of tire or some shit. ya know, "safety first" is like my middle names, duh. so i see that it is indeed a fuzzy lil piece of leather so i grab it and pull it and i strip off its outer layer, to reveal a shiny, pinkish red strip, at which point i actually think that maybe its some kind of plant, and that is, like, the stem or something, i'm just really confused. then i see the whiskers sticking out and i am all "omg, i just ripped skin off of some dead rodent and this is really gross, i am going to get the bubonic plague on my paper coffee cup and spread it to the world." i wipe my hands on a snotty tissue from my car and throw it on the ground, sorry litter-haters but i ain't puttin that shit BACK in my car to touch later, no weezy.

basically, a mouse got smashed all up in my hubcap, and i really have no idea how it could have happened. but his lil stripped bit of tail was still hanging out when i got home and you could totally see homeboy all smashed up in between the hubcap and the wheel.

i really like the lighting in that last photo. my hypothesis: mouse climbs up in between wheel and hubcap where there is room to chill. mouse kicks back like "aw yeah, this my new mouse crib, i'm just gonna post up here and nibble on this pizza crust." and then i get in the car and take off, and the centrifugal force of the spinning smashes homey to the outer edge. too many G forces for the dude. squish.

THE END

nice blog about the kid

2011-02-19T11:50:00.006-05:00

last sunday was the Veelee 2nd Anniversary party with myself and Motor Skills. here is the link to a blog post that unfortunately reveals that i am a very nice guy, which pretty much fucks up my whole image. but it does delve deep into the "who the fuck is Juan Huevos?" mythos. (i am pretty obsessed with the word "mythos" right now.)

thanks for the kind words.

love song mix

2011-02-19T11:33:00.003-05:00

so, i did a love song mix for valentine's day for the folks over at The Vinyl District and i realize it's a little late for that now, but you don't need to be celebrating a fake holiday to get down to it. you can read all my funny quips about the tracks here.

and you should definitely download this ma fucka.

teddy pendergrass is/was a diabolical genius.

my posse from the bronx

2011-02-15T11:34:00.000-05:00

who let izzy hold my credit card?

2011-02-04T10:41:00.004-05:00

this is what happens when you get drunk, freak out about your face, and order acne products under your cat's nickname.

i mean, technically it's my roommate's cat, but i make a pretty good step daddy.

NEW FREE DOWNLOAD

2011-02-03T13:24:00.004-05:00

this track has been affectionately dubbed by (mostly) some female fans (none of whom knew each other) as "the suck my dick song", even though it has nothing to do with fellatio, and actually came about because of something that i did live with the original since it had no chorus. this was also the song that birthed the infamous "fuck mike dillon" night, but that's another story. anyway, i decided to let the fans speak, so here it is. produced by and starring myself. no hot oral action described within, but the 2 verses are precise mirrors of one another, and its kinda cool. freely downloadable, so bump it in your ride, mayne.

the suck my dick song by juan huevos

um ... no homo? OR facebook fun pt. 3

2011-01-31T13:05:00.008-05:00

this is from the same person as the one before, i suppose i could just add them as a friend and get all these pics posted to my facebook page, but it's more crev this way. i don't know who got tagged in this photo, but the man with the rolling pin is a rap superstar in his own right. the PBR can glued to his face is classic.

facebook fun pt. 2

2011-01-31T10:28:00.007-05:00

not as epic as the last one, but more flattering maybe, because the other one was kinda weird. thank you, friends of friends.

PS this show was a blast. cheers to everyone involved, be sure to keep track of what these guys are up to ---> Moving Island

facebook fun

2011-01-17T11:31:00.010-05:00

sometimes people don't have all the facts quite straight. but it's fun watchin em talk about stuff.

next time

2011-01-13T10:29:00.003-05:00

i realize that i totally look like the hairy-faced, skinny but in shape, cool jeans and shoe wearing, hip hop/indy rock listening, skater dude who mostly rides a bike around and has a nice soft t-shirt collection and probably has a hot girlfriend who reads a lot ... that is, i am exactly what i thought was cool at age 12 and set out to become. so technically i achieved my goal.

in my next life, i decided i am going to think plastic surgeons are cool.

black swizzan

2010-12-31T15:47:00.003-05:00

here is the first (and probably last) audio review of a film i have ever done. black swan is a rad movie but i still had to make fun of it. i left out any references to hot lesbian action, or how i have a man-crush on vincent cassel (no homo), or how pumped/buzzed the audience was (we guffawed at every joke and cringed at ever cringe-worthy moment) and yeah, i mean, it's not like she was probably dead the whole time ala jacob's ladder, and when i say vincent's head looks like a slice of pizza i'm talking about the triangular shape of it and not his complexion, but you get the point.

listen to it here ----> black swan review

2010-12-22T11:19:00.002-05:00

my buddies Old Bricks got a Christmas song for ya.

swoll necks and other stories

2010-12-03T10:25:00.003-05:00

i've been working out off and on since i was about 15. i started lifting weights with Ben Lee in my parents basement. my dad wrote us out some exercises and whatnot. that dude was cock D well into his 60's and beyond. i probably weighed in around 135 back then.

the strongest i ever got was when i worked out with Big John Fickle (RIP) ... that dude was a beast and we both built muscle pretty fast. i was 20. we went to the gym at least 3 times a week, plus i worked pretty physical jobs. i got up to 155 and did a LOT of benching and "curls for the girls" ... i ate lot of calories, mostly in the form of milkshakes and whopper juniors.

by this point in time, aka the present, many of you have seen me in a tank top or with no shirt or in my drawers and usually in all those situations i have had the benefit of stage lighting which casts shadows in all the right ways to make someone who is slightly muscular look much more so. no matter how buff i may or may not be at the time, when i look in the mirror it's still the same skinny dweeb staring back at me. i have received many nice comments on my build, which is flattering. i have also heard many references to steroids, which is also flattering, but also insulting ... if you don't think i got this way from being a depressed maniac, by myself doing push ups and pull ups and sit ups on a hard ass floor every day, then you have not done your research. i barely even use protein powder or any shit like that, it has all been hard work. you can do it, too.

regardless, a dear friend of mine, who also works out and is quite buff in his own right, hit me with this after a gig. best quote regarding my exercise prowess ever:

Meant to tell you at your show - dude, your neck is so swoll. No homo. Is that where you stick the juice needle? Right in the fucking jugular? Your neck was flexing and popping veins and shit. It looks like you hang a 45 lb plate from a chain and strap that shit to your forehead and do neck curls. It's bad ass.

haha, i am totally self-conscious of my long ass neck. at least it looks strong when i rap. my homegirl is an MC, and HER neck veins are definitely something to write about ....

four loko

2010-11-23T12:57:00.010-05:00

so there has been a lot of buzz (pun intended) about this rebel yell of a drink called Four Loko. i am not going to be wasting any time and space on hipping you to what it is or the controversy that has surrounded it, you can do your own research. really, if you don't know what i'm talking about, why are you even reading a blog? anyways. i had never tried it before. i stopped on my way home from work and bought several cans.

to protect the innocent and guilty (you know who the f*ck i'm talking about anyways, don't you?) i will refer to my partners in crime as J (boy) and T (girl). T and I had plans to attend an event. J was on the couch, beer in hand, not lookin like he was goin anywhere. i cracked a can of Blue Razbbery flavor (can't remember if there was a "z" in the spelling, but it seems appropriate). glasses were poured. senses awakened. lips (particularly mine) started flapping. tongues were stained.

we kill the first round and crack the next can. Cranberry Lemonade. good for UTIs, they advertise. j/k. it goes down quick. blood is flowing. idle chatter becomes boisterous, 3 people often speaking all at once.

by the time we bust open the long-anticipated Watermelon flavor (not for the faint of heart, my dad thinks watermelon flavoring smells like corpses) it was time to go. J decides to join us. we load up styrofoam cups with Four Loko and ice (in the spirit of Huston, Texas or Lil Wayne ... whichever you prefer) and head to Chapel Hill Comics.

um, perhaps we were all charming? perhaps. i told a friend how bad i thought he smelled, but also that i would do him if i was gay. i touched him a lot. i talked sh*t about Dazzler. i dunno, she's ok. i had a very bonding conversation with an ill friend and talked about my nut(s) a lot. he laughed.

J drew a heart in the bathroom with our names in it. soon we were all posing in the can, as i ate a "bathroom cookie" which is not code or anything, it's just a cookie that you are eating close to a toilet. there was no Four Loko left. High Life makes its way into our cups.

so .... i just wrote this super long play by play of the evening, but i said f*ck it, everybody does silly shit when they are drunk and besides, i can't really put all the best stuff in here anyways. there were lil highlights like a woman who referred to our stumbling, loud posse as "3 random Carrboro hipsters" to her friend on the phone, at which point we all yelled things, J and i drowned out by T's "fuuuuuuuck YOU!!" ... i discovered a new way to pronounce (and scream) "Cassis Orange" (much to their disappointment, i am sure) ... a girl told me i was her "nemesis" ... i did a 5 minute long impression of Mike Triplett playing guitar in Fin Fang Foom on the sidewalk in front of 506 ... hahaha, and i did get mistaken for a drummer in some band by someone who should know better, but that wasn't my fault. the point is, i guess, that Four Loko did live up to its name of making me "loko" since the bender that it set in motion was nothing less than epic for me. i have barely been out at all lately because of my fear of the world, and i was certainly "fearless" on this evening. i insulted more people, mouthed off to more chicks, passionately hugged more dudes, criticized more bands (to their face), drunk texted (which i have been soooo much better about in my old age), and overall obnoxiously bounced from conversation to conversation in a way that i haven't in a long time.

unless i got a clear calendar, i'm just gonna stick with these.

really doe.

hopscotch flashback

2010-11-17T10:15:00.004-05:00

more hot dusty shots courtesy of cellbandpics.com

hard/paint

2010-11-17T10:04:00.005-05:00

after gino posted the curren$y flip of "hard in da paint" on the b.e.a.r. page, i decided i was going to have to get on the hype myself. hadn't been writing much lately, but this was inspiring enough to go tough on 3 verses. gino hooked up the intro for me. shouts to the crew and RIP David del Monaco forever.

Waves In The Paint (B.E.A.R. MIX) by juan huevos

comic shop freestyle

2010-11-16T13:36:00.009-05:00

i did a show at Chapel Hill Comics with Adam WarRock and i knew that there was no way i would be able to escape without a relevant freestyle. i busted out my old flip of Mike Jones's's's "back then" instrumental and got to work. the video of it is embedded below. topics touched on include:

buy my beard.

2010-09-16T13:49:00.009-04:00

at this year's Hopscotch Music Festival, beards may have been the #1 fashion accessory. i'm not talking about your fake girlfriend that makes you appear straight, i mean good ol' fashioned facial hair. sure, v-necks and tattoos still reign near the top, but there was never a better time to floss your pubic face than at the south's newest and best music fest. (editor's note: there was no sarcasm in that statement ---> Hopscotch was amazing.)

so. want a souvenir beyond your Hopscotch hospital bracelet or your Newcastle diarrhea? now is the time to procure your very own piece of history. Juan Huevos's beard, the very same beard he sported for 2 Hopscotch performances, is available on this blog for a limited time only.

whoa! check that thing out. it took a staff of 3 stylists to painstakingly remove the hairs one by one in order to return Huevos to the mustachioed visage you are most familiar with.

the beard was carefully stored in a Ziploc bag.

rather than do an auction that would no doubt push the price through the roof, Life Is Like My Cock On Chocolates is offering a special J Waves Beard Package for $14.95 (plus S & H) to the first person to respond to this ad. included with the prized beard hair is a copy of the latest Juan Huevos album, Treasure Bath. also included is a rare "J Waves" button and a letter J-shaped rainbow-colored Silly Band. OMG!!!!!

there is so much you can do with your brand new Juan Huevos bag o' beard hair: glue them to your own face! plant J Waves evidence at crime scenes! patch up that bald spot! contribute to a bird's nest! make a voodoo doll and/or shrine! it's up to you!!

there is only ONE of these to go around, so don't kick yourself by waiting. ORDER NOW!

set list for the murdering (of feelings)

2010-09-09T22:12:00.003-04:00

so what you guys might not know is that i totally shred on acoustic guitar. for this day party on friday i'm gonna be sittin on a stool and have a lil mic on a bendy thing in front of my guitar and i'm gonna have a beard and a gucci bandana and a cup of water by my side and i'm gonna make you laugh and cry and be like "aw man, i really identify with that!" and then you are going to buy all my merch and wear my pin and blog about how real i am. and then i am going to tour australia. here are the songs i will be playing:

Toothache Face
Underneath The Underlings
Vagina Sand
Kiss From A Rose (Seal cover)
Shack Of Shacks
Dry Sockets, Fat Pockets
Bizarre Love Triangle (Frente! cover)
Lord Of The Things
Gusher
I Will Never Do Anything To Hurt You (Keith Sweat cover)

don't be a slouch, make it out.

HOPSCOTCH

2010-08-28T00:40:00.002-04:00

THE LEGACY OF A BIG BEAR

2010-08-23T10:11:00.015-04:00

it all began (for me) in 2008. i was in france with subtitle. and Briefcase Rockers, the label subtitle started that would later release several juan huevos projects, was getting repped to the fullest. our whole crew, along with its affiliates, etc. were part of the umbrella group known as B.E.A.R.

Business
Espionage
Audio
Recordings

obviously, bears were a recurring theme in label artwork, and we had all kinds of bear-themed pics on our myspace page.

i don't remember how i came across this, i may have been google searching "bear" images or maybe the homey lockjaw sent it to me, since he always puts me up on hilarious rap ish.

this is amazing for lots of reasons. it not only contains bears, but it also has a connection to a line from one of my songs (gittinz hot) that became a mantra for me and my tour mates: "you should do a lot of thangs". i popped my head on it and flipped the title.

i posted the picture in various locales on the interweb. then something caught my eye on facebook. a certain bearded music writer had his own flip!

it seemed like my knowledge of this very crev-looking album cover was not as exclusive as i imagined. were hip white guys like myself passing around the photo like a viral video, getting our kicks at the thought of an ursine-friendly rapper hanging in a cave with his silk-clad bear homeys, smoking cubans and eating nuts and berries? was it becoming a blogged-about sensation? was i going to run out of hyphens describing it? holy sh-t, did i just realize his name was written in honey?

i haven't thought about it much since then. but the homey lockjaw just hit me the other day with this absolutely CLASSIC link of hip hop album covers "remixed" to have comic book characters in them. easily recognized flips of The Great Adventures of Slick Rick and Illmatic and Straight Outta Compton make up the bulk of these, but i couldn't believe that this made the cut, further supporting the theory that the Big Bear cover had made some kind of impact on music nerds for its sheer genius.

there is even a british (college?) student's flip of it (with MS paint) out there.

one may ask, "well, how does the music sound?" i checked out a bit of it, not bad, but nothing special. it came out in the late 90's ... reminds me of 8Ball & MJG but nowhere near as timeless. i think this whole episode is best summed up with the outro to an online review of the Big Bear record: "A mediocre representation of two styles of southern rap in the 90's, Doin Thangs isn't worth its weight, and the only 'thang' it's 'doin' is getting laughed at for its cover." but i would switch out 'laughed at' with 'appreciated' ... word.

Jerk Out

2010-08-19T11:26:00.006-04:00

this is really ill beyond words for me, as a massive Prince/The Time fan, and all that is affiliated and associated with said artists. during Prince's Harem Week on the Grip Tapes facebook page, i looked up Mazarati cause i actually thought it was a girl group, not the project of the flamboyant jheri-curled superstar that i discovered. he and his band truly truly truly (outrageous) deserve their own blog but i just have to break down this one song.

in 1990, The Time put out a record called Pandemonium and had a hit single with Jerk Out. this video is incredible ---> Jerk Out (these guys made it rain in the club way before any rapper. great cameos, great cars, the dancing, a trip to the ATM ... these dudes were on it in this.)

blah blah blah anyways, i came across this Mazarati version of it that is def from the early 80's, has Prince all over it vocally, and pretty much (yet again) confirms that Prince does a ton of ghost-writing for his affiliated bands and definitely wrote Jerk Out. more on Mazarati? --> wiki wiki wiki

what really gets me, besides just the existence of this at all, is the rougher lyrics. Prince was definitely more raw back in the day, and full of angst on the issues of race, sex, gender, etc.

The Time:

"i took her to my crib and i laid her down /
her body felt kinda right /
maybe I was wrong, but what the hell? /
i figured that was what she liked."

Mazarati:

"i took her to my crib and i tied her up /
i think that's what she liked. /
maybe i was wrong, what the hell? /
it didn't matter to me, she was white."

check it out:

(G)Rip (T)Apes

2010-08-19T11:24:00.000-04:00

i like this name better.

i had this. i want it again.

2010-08-12T21:47:00.003-04:00

i bought my 4th Swatch while i was in Honolulu earlier this summer. this is my favorite one from my youth, the only one i don't still have.

Prince's Harem Week

2010-08-12T21:45:00.001-04:00

more label art.

2010-08-03T02:33:00.002-04:00

last one. promise.

2010-07-30T14:33:00.002-04:00

what? it was Lindsay Lohan Week. it's way sick she has this tattoo. it's totally real.

she came by our office ...

2010-07-30T14:31:00.002-04:00

lilo week continues ....

2010-07-29T13:44:00.001-04:00

i love my family.

2010-07-29T02:06:00.004-04:00

Summer Sampler Out Now

2010-07-29T01:57:00.004-04:00

free download here -----> GRIP TAPES SUMMER SAMPER

wonder shows 'n

2010-07-09T14:07:00.004-04:00

chapel hill, please join on me on the 17th of this month.

this is what happened last time.

k, bye

stand up

2010-03-20T12:44:00.007-04:00

i think i have more fun goofing off at my shows than i do being a serious performer.

here are some examples from my most recent show. check the youtube video for all appropriate credits.

i fucking hate how even though this is the smallest size, the video still gets cut off. the formatting on on here sucks. any advice as to how i can post a video on here without cutting the side off or making it teeny tiny?

kwame

2010-03-17T16:56:00.004-04:00

i have a song called the price of fame that has a little kwame tribute at the end of it and i don't think most people notice it. it's a flip on the breakdown in ownlee eue.

(editor's note: the wiki page for kwame says that he ---> is a cousin of Vin Diesel, who danced in some of his early music videos.[4])

i just watched that video again and came across this. even though its a total bite of something Slick Rick would have done on this album, from the chorus to the singing of traditional tunes in the middle to the high-pitched adlibs in the background ... it's still rad and makes me want to rap over a beat like it, and do some silly raps ala kwame. like "give me a fat kiss ... tongue, that is" .....

i fell into

2010-03-16T11:03:00.005-04:00

my rolling chair which bumped into my keyboard stand which caused a very expensive and heavy synthesizer to take a fuckin stage dive.

still works, tho.

might do me good to break it completely so the 5 people that actually listen to my music wouldn't have to hear the same sounds all the time.

the beautiful ones

2010-03-13T15:13:00.004-05:00

maybe my cover version will be awesome.

but i doubt it.

here is a picture from what is (hopefully) going to be a new semi-regular thing for me.

i got some ladies behind me. i suppose some real ones would be better, but whatever. i don't think i can get Latoya Jackson on the phone.

shit cat

2010-03-10T13:37:00.007-05:00

whenever i scoop turds out of a litter box, i like to pretend that i am an archaeologist excavating precious dinosaur bones. and this cat can shit. it was kinda like this:

except i am not chinese and there was only one of me. there were so many "bones" in there, i wish i had a little brush to finely dust them off before placing them in plastic bags to date and then send to the Smithsonian.

anyways, you owe me one, izzy.

also, this:

good lawd. apparently "raptor jesus" is a thing ... am i, like, late on this one? either way, this has to be my new favorite thing on the internet.

gooooooob.

2010-03-09T23:00:00.003-05:00

last nite just kinda happened and today definitely happened. painfully. but i'm pretty sure its super awesome to have me rappin lil whyte in your ear very haphazardly while you drive my car. so my night was a success. then i ate 13 pounds of shell noodles with cream sauce.

my friend told me about this video and it is truly as nuts as he made it out to be. cripsin glover has cool hair but he's got a dumb wig on here.

and dammit, just look at this song title. i found this looking for the lil whyte video i linked ... how could i not share this? Three 6 is the best!!! unfortunately, at 2:42, project pat resorts a rhyme (of sorts) that could only have been pulled off by Too $hort or Gucci "i rhymed orange with insurance" Mane.

old ass picture

2010-03-07T18:10:00.003-05:00

today i did it all by myself.

new subtitle video!!

2010-03-07T17:32:00.004-05:00

from the La Cita Strobe EP.

directed by Robby Massey.

more label art

2010-03-01T23:33:00.001-05:00

bzzzzzzz.

find us on facebook, myspace, twitter, etc.

aw man

2010-03-01T21:30:00.003-05:00

me and jake were shooting the air guns again. jake hit me in the hand.

i put an ice cube on it and it peeled the last bit of skin off. there was a cool blood stain on it but it got all melty before i could take a picture.

they done wrote about me.

2010-02-25T13:00:00.004-05:00

i should be doing research for the "Black Andy Samberg" post i want to do ... i mean, i kinda already did some but i just can't find the the right pictures to use. but when i do ... oh boy.

anyways, i have a new interview thingy on the internet. even tho i don't really "butch" anymore and you guys are probably over the whole cancer thing, its a nice write-up, featuring not-so-typical type questions.

you can read it here. feel free to leave some comments on it so it looks like people actually give a fuck.

get beat up.

2010-02-24T21:03:00.004-05:00

k?

they really did this.

branch

2010-02-22T18:05:00.006-05:00

in this photo, director Ray Miller (center) sets up a shot featuring Eddie, the uncouth youth accused of several robberies in the immediate area, and Jacob, his mentor who is not without his own flaws. from the upcoming film Sunday Was Awesome Until I Made That Awful Vodka Thing In The Blender.

sunday

2010-02-22T13:38:00.003-05:00

was a mess. but it started out good. i don't have any brunch pictures for you, jake has them all. maybe later.

we shot at each other with these.

there are pellets all over the house. i just remembered emptying a clip into the side of my car.

CH // BXL

2010-02-15T13:24:00.004-05:00

i have homeys all over the world that i do cool music with.

here is a BRAND NEW SONG i did with subtitle on production/rap and citizen ledge from L.E.G. on the hook. i even got jake to say something on it!

PS you can check out another song with juan huevos, subtitle, and L.E.G. on this myspace page -----> *************

guest spot

2010-02-11T10:21:00.003-05:00

me with Islands at Duke Coffeehouse on November 1st, 2009. i had just got back from Europe.

read about it here.

GRIP TAPES

2010-02-10T17:22:00.005-05:00

me and hank started a record label.

this is the kind of graphic design i do.

i probably won't be allowed to use any of it.

movie nite/day

2010-02-10T13:44:00.019-05:00

so in the last 24 hours (or amount of time close enough to that to just go ahead and say it) i watched 6 movies. i also ate 3 different kinds of take out. that averages to 2 movies per take out. not including the pile of breakfast i ate.

basically a zombie movie starring vampires as zombies. get these guys some fucking napkins.

oh no, i fell asleep! includes the Best Scene Ever Featuring a Semi-Attractive Blond Woman Using a Samurai Sword To Decapitate a Sewer Monster. look, it has this guy in it:

you don't know his name, but you recognize him, right? pretty sure this is the only movie he has ever been the leading man in. well, he probably played a creep in some Lifetime movie with Victoria Pricipal:

winner of the Best Ice T Cameo In a Non Hip Hop-Themed Movie featuring Ice T as "Hamilton" the weapons expert who survies only 5 minutes of the movie but dies upside down, hanging from the ceiling and spinning while simultaneously firing 2 machine guns. fortunately, David Arquette is murdered early on in the movie. unfortunately, we don't get to see it.

winner of Best Use Of The Word Fuck for such amazing Dennis Hopper lines as: "Let's fuck! I'll fuck anything that moves!!" and "Here's to your fuck!" and "Fuck you, you fucking fuck!" i like this particular poster because there is no scene anywhere in the movie that resembles this picture.

starring Denzel Washington as Denzel Washington.

nominated for the Irony Award for the on-screen couple of Tichina "Pam" Arnold and Martin "Martin" Lawrence who were bitter enemies on the "Martin" television show and had to play husband and wife in this breathtaking film. what i would really like to know, tho, is if Tisha "Gina" Campbell and Martin ever patched things up?

my face itches

2010-02-07T22:49:00.003-05:00

Jake's Cup

2010-02-03T15:10:00.006-05:00

so my roommate has this plastic cup that i always end up drinking my coffee out of. the cup is kinda funny anyways since it has a tiger tail for a handle and is from the circus. but what cracks me up is the tiger that's on it. i am pretty sure he is supposed to look fierce n all, like he is about to take a piece out of your ass with a big paw swipe, but to me it looks like he got his hand up to his ear, ready to hear some crowd response as he is yelling "hollaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!" at the top of his lungs.

you know, like Hulk Hogan does it.

red buick

2009-12-15T22:24:00.002-05:00

old people driving cars is the worst but since one day i will be an old driver maybe i should be nice but hopefully by then we will have self-driving hovercrafts so i wont even have to worry about that shit.

anyways, i don't understand why these old mother fuckers in front of me were rolling the way they were .... driving SO SLOW (8 cars in a row back up behind them) and not turning on red at an empty intersection ... but not wearing seat belts and not using turn signals. kinda fucks up the theory of them driving slow to be safe. of course, they may have just forgot about the turn signals (cause usually when they turn them on they forget to turn them off) and maybe their sensitive rib cages and collar bones cant take the pressure of the shoulder belt.

here is a show you can go to if you live in chapel hill, NC:

see thru

2009-12-08T17:19:00.017-05:00

i wanted to do something to keep your eyes of that last lame post and make it seem like i actually do suff on here, and somehow the phrase "clear the air" came into my head which made me think of clear pepsi. let's reflect.

ahhh, van hagar. how about a taste test?

"i'm sweating, i love it, it's refreshing." great call! if you replace 'pepsi' with 'meth' it makes this a lot better. and speaking of clear:

wasn't that guy in AC/DC? he'z gonna get hiz azz kicked if he keepz talking like that. and speaking of azz:

cherry 7 up always had tight shit ....

so, did he, like, smile at all the ladies and then sit down with the plain girl? or was she on the same level as the other babes? i can't tell how they were trying to play that, i feel like she was supposed to be dull seeming (?) but the C7 made her hot. and then we realize at the end that her diet cherry 7 up is the yin to his regular cherry 7 up yang. and that's what love is all about. soft drinks. C7 has been re-introduced as an antioxidant-providing health soda. this is an actual line from the press release: "people want to fall in love with beverages" ... see what i mean?

what it do, budapest style

2009-10-21T14:17:00.007-04:00

so, in a fit of homesickness, i made plans to run off to budapest. for those that don't know, that is where my mom is from and where i get my exquisite bone structure. haha, we all know my face is ugly, but i got big eyeballs. anyways, i left brussels to spend a little more than 2 weeks here, thinking that family and friends would make me feel special. don't get me wrong, i LOVED brussels and all my great friends i made, really doe, and gino aka subtitle is my dog for life, there were no issues there, we were on a crev-life campaign that showed no signs of stopping. but for my own personal and depressive reasons, i felt very alone there so i thought that being in a familiar place with people that have known me since i was a baby would snap me out of it. i had no more shows on the horizon and had already accopmplished a lot in the brux, so why not?

i probably shouldn't have been in such a hurry. too late now.

as far as the place i am staying and the people i am staying with ... i am very lucky. the house is amazing, i don't even want to tell you how nice it is, and the couple i am with are super cool and have 2 very neat kids that are surprisingly not getting on my nerves, since i hate kids. which once again proves that being cute will get you anywhere, and that is why i have to work so hard all the time.

but my internet use is very limited which means less networking, no porn, and god dammit, no 21 Jump Street episodes on youtube, which has been my ecstasy pill for the past couple of weeks. i will write a 21 Jump Street blog later and also pub MY NEW ALBUM THAT JUST CAME OUT, but this is a semi-rant about budapest.

well, i guess what i want to say is that there seems to be no music scene here that has anything to do with what i do. i mean, there is hip hop, but it all seems to be really bad local stuff, and it seems also that very few american bands are coming around here. i mean, Fin Fang Foom and Auxes (2 NC bands that are great, but more on the brooding side of rock than on the dancing side of rap) had some gigs out here in the past years, but i'm just saying, scanning the upcoming show ads is hella bleak, whereas everywhere else that i have been has all types of banging shows coming up. i mean, not even dope euro acts seem to be coming through, it's not like i need to see american bands when i am europe, i'm talking dope PERIOD.

i am pissed because i tried to get up with these dudes that i rapped with 6 years ago. they were super cool and even invited me to perform with them at an event that was a Big Dada thing (sorry for the lack of links, too hard with this fucked up european laptop i am having to use right now) but i couldnt go because of some family shit. imagine my shock when i found out that these SAME DUDES were playing at the SAME VENUE only 3 days after my arrival. i was stoked. but this wack mother fucking DJ, who if he doesn't reply to my myspace messages in the next bit WILL GET SHIT ON by me on this blog, did not have the courtesy to hit me back in any capacity.

whatever.

i am on some different shit out here. i am writing and writing, with 4 new songs done, mostly produced by subtitle (with more on the way if i hunker down and figure out ableton which everyone says is easy, and to me is like trying to build a space station from paper clips and straws). i am pretending that i am a WRITER writer and am trying to complete a short story (losing steam fast, tho). i drink beer all day. i take bikram yoga classes. i sit in a sauna. i stare out the window. i take baths. i read. i don't smoke weed and smoke very few cigarettes. i play with kids.

the women here are still the best, tho. my yoga teacher the other day was so ridiculous, i mean, i was gasping for air the second she walked in the room. you don't see a lot of women put together like this in the States. the ass-hip-boo ratio is really intense.

i have always had fun here, but my head was in a different place, and most of the people i used to kick it with have kids now, i was always the baby, and now that i'm all grownz up, most of the folks are pretty settled down. the city is kind of far from where i am, so i am like this weird hermit, which is something that comes pretty natural for me, but its harder without shooting up the internet drug as much as usual.

understand: budapest may well be one the most beautiful cities i have ever seen. but i been all over it, on many occasions. i'm spoiled, yes, and i am not 'complaining' despite what it may sound like, i know i am lucky to be here, but i am OBSERVING. like, when's the last time you heard about a band coming out of budapest?

but i did learn about this guy, basically hungary's number one singer/songwriter type, the best there ever was. this song made people kill themselves. seriously. it makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. resist your urge to clown what this guy looks like, how wacky hungarian sounds, and how it looks like his hands arent even touching the guitar half the time, and just sink into what a dark, beautiful, bad-fucking-ass song this is.

huevos out.

another absinthe blog

2009-10-09T10:42:00.009-04:00

so, however it happened, i have got drunk off absinthe 3 days in a row. at no point have i experienced waking hallucinations, but looking back on the nights, they are definitely swimmy, ya know?

last nite, my friend who has the scooter had a bunch of us over for dinner and it was really cool. he made amazing food, i talked to my new homey from miami, armando aka alpha 606, about girls and MMA fighting and we all watched funny youtube videos and cut up. earlier that day i recorded a dirty miami bass song (and another synthy dance rap where the hook is "i see girls in the sky like a space cadet") with this dude. it was a good day. so why am i so depressed all the time? who knows.

anyways, the last 2 nites, like the nite before, was filled with totally fucked up dreams. i really see how it worked for these painters who were strung out on that shit, cause if i could paint the things i have seen in my dreams, it would indeed be "surrealist" .... (PS i haven't been smoking weed, and i think i heard people say that they had crazy dreams when they quit smoking, but i smoked a bunch during the day of "day 1" of my crazy nightmares, so i wouldn't exactly hypothesize that could be a reason, i only just stopped on that particular day, cause of the McDonald's thing i may or may not blog about.)

2 nites ago i dreamt (dreamed?) i was on an airplane, sitting in the only seat that was OUTSIDE the plane. and not, like, on top of the wing, but underneath the plane, like to the side kinda, i could look down and see the fucking ground, feel wind ripping through me ... i was buckled up and in a seat, but i was outside the goddamn plane. at one point, i looked to the side and could see down the aisle into the plane (which didn't seem to be experiencing any cabin pressure problems) ... there were other seats, i just happened to be in the only one that wasn't actually in the plane. i was able to convince the flight crew to let me switch to an inside seat. later, the plane was flying super low, right above a highway, and the wing hit a concrete wall and the plane spun out of control ... we didn't crash but we spun all around up into the sky, it was scary.

last nite, amongst other madness, i dreamed this:

first, Joan Rivers was propositioning me for sex.

we were in a dark bedroom sitting on a bed, and i knew something was going down. i remember thinking that i was down for a blow job, but i didn't want to go all the way, but i was far less turned off than i should have been, i may have actually been the opposite. i make a reference to something and she says "don't worry, we're gonna fuck." i leave the room or detach or something for a sec and then she is naked, sitting on the side of the bed, all wrinkly and covering her saggy breasts with her hands and she has some kind of half-apron thing over her lower half, like covering her up a little, i figure because she is self-conscious of her older body. i lay down with my shirt off and she starts giving me a back rub. that scene pretty much ends right there.

later, i am looking in a mirror and popping all these whiteheads on my face with a needle. there is one on the right side of my face, sort of where my chin ends and cheek begins, and its kinda big, and i end up digging out a tiny mountain of a zit, which leaves a small, bloody hole in my face, maybe about the size of the tip of my pinky. i look at it in the mirror and it looks pretty gross. i go about whatever i am doing for the next bit, and the hole doesn't stop looking bloody, and seems to grow over time. later, i am looking in the mirror again. the hole is now the size of a quarter and is basically healed all around, like a stretched earlobe without the plug in.. i have my mouth open and i can see daylight passing through the hole, i can actually see through the hole into my surroundings.

later, my friend chuck that i haven't talked to in a long time, seems to have a boat, but it is in a giant swimming pool that has all these weird wires running around part of it. i want to kick it with him on the boat, but there are some other dudes horsing around on the deck of the boat and they seem to be yelling at me in a condescending way. so i storm off, on the pier that i appear to be on. for whatever reason, i am wearing a small stars-n-stripes bathing suit and have a stars-n-stripes bandanna tied around my head. maybe i miss america.

painter

2009-10-07T06:36:00.009-04:00

i have been on an absinthe quest since i got to europe. i don't know that i have ever really drank the real thing, there was one time maybe but i don't really remember it well.

now, they have absinthe at a lot of bars here, but not the original. they DO have wormwood content in them, but it is very, very low. i drank some on my birthday in brussels and felt kinda kooky, and had absolutely wacko dreams that night, but i was sick and drinking a lot during the day so i don't really know how much of that could have been from the absinthe.

i got a real bottle in amsterdam yesterday. i drank a decent amount, some in hot tea, and then some pretty much just straight up. the lady at the store said you don't exactly hallucinate, per se. whatever. it happens to also be very high in alcohol.

if anyone saw my ramblings on facebook, twitter, or my blog (see below) you will note that i seemed to turn into one of these: meow

i would say i was definitely "drunk" but in a surreal kind of way. i didn't smoke any weed or anything because i almost passed out earlier that day in a Mickey D's, but that will be my next blog. but i did have absolutely LONG, mysterious, intense crazy dreams. and i can't remember them all, but here a few images. i imagine if i drank, say, twice as much, my waking state could have very well evolved into these. ha, maybe if i had STAYED awake, since after some weird crev shit, i just passed out. some things i saw/went through:

- a little tiny alien/fuzzy creature type guy, there were actually 2 of them but i can't remember what the other looked like. he was cute (couldn't really see his face, kinda like one of these guys...?)

and maybe 10 inches or so tall, wearing a purple outfit, fleece, almost like a snuggie, but it was clothes. and a hat of the same material. we were kind of communicating like one would with a little cat (he didn't speak, maybe made little noises). he was on a table and then i accidentally struck him to floor. he was getting up, and i swear i knocked his pants kind of off because i noticed him putting them back on .... before attacking me like a savage and locking teeth into my arm, at which point i felt a terrible burning pain, i was thrashing around trying to get him off, it was making me pass out. i don't think i was alone at the time, but i don't remember what happened.

-seeing danny devito and rhea perlman (i assume) riding by on bikes in what was maybe downtown LA.

-flying through the air, amongst clouds made of fabric until i hit the "ceiling" which was also fabric-cloud material.

-being forced to live with this awful strange family that had some either weird molester or mormom-type arrangement going on. i have no idea why i was there.

-having no head, and seeing my body 3rd person as a weird torso, with a plastic cup holder where my neck would be, and thinking the thoughts that would come with this .... wanting to say something but realizing "okay, i can't speak without a head. okay, i will just think thoughts. but how can i think without a head? but i am thinking right now." etc. it was totally fucked.

asinthye

2009-10-06T20:28:00.002-04:00

gaZie mon frer in the asylyim phiilime gets me off this island crane neck same teck fane feign sex got damn reks xoxoue exrecsie my polyoaihsdflkjhbjkr

bully catches a bad one

2009-09-27T07:58:00.003-04:00

this blog has become more something i do when i don't have anything else to do, so it may seem that i am having loads of fun doing all kinds of neat things everyone else wishes they were doing. i am not saying that is not true, but i AM saying that "being lazy" qualifies as something to do, therefore, whatever that means, henceforth, i only blog when there is NOTHING else to do. i have even been reading lately. not archie comics, i guess, is what i mean by "reading".

yesterday i finally got a workout in, a "save the guns" program started by myself, where i am the only sponsor and participant in the sack race during the "fun day fundraiser" that i threw up here in the attic in brussels where i am currently staying. i did 3 sets of pushups and then 3 sets of chair dips and 3 more sets of push ups and then 3 more sets of chair dips. then i did some sets of lifting/extending type things with a small crate of records. then i did some more push ups. i didn't do any ab stuff because my homey in the room below, pablo, was chillin and i didn't want him to think i was masturbating furiously from the creaking floorboards as i did sit ups, though he might have already been thinking that after hearing the grunting and pacing about that occurs during both my workout AND masturbatory routines. the whole time i was exercising i was watching "a bully gets his ass kicked" type footage on youtube after gino showed me this clip, which is pretty gawl damn amazing. this is the short version, basically the shirtless kid talks SO MUCH shit, while sleeveless kid says that he doesn't want to fight. this beatdown is seriously incredible, dude picked the wrong kid to fuck with. watch!!!!

i went and hung with a hip hop group from belgium, probably the best one in this area, called L.E.G. (we played with them the other night) and smoked like 3 dubs with the producer homey who doesn't speak english and had a rousing chat with the MC about music and hip hop and rap and hopefully convinced him that he should def do a rap over the beat we christened "the miami song" and maybe even to let me sing my painful-to-the-ear R & B hook over it. well, maybe not that part, but yo, you should def fuck with that song you guys!! hopefully i will get to record a verse on the one they had picked out for me, which was fuckin killer, their main producer is a monster, and the MC is really, really wicked.

i rode through the streets on the back of my homeboy's scooter which was super fun and terrifying at the same time. he shouted back to ask me if i felt safe, and i said i did, and that was right before we came to an intersection that seemed to have 9 things converging at once, like, a motorcycle, a car, a bus, an old lady with shopping bags, a horse, a trolley, a tram, an above-ground metro car, all current members of Los Lobos, a fruit stand, a milk truck, and a military tank. somehow he guided us through it all without dumping me off. fortunately, i was kind of drunk on the way back so i could block out all that stuff.

interlude: Crash Overdrive interview

2009-09-24T09:18:00.004-04:00

peep this interview with my favorite collaborator, Crash Overdrive.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ------> (CLICK ME)

part 2: more travels

2009-09-24T07:58:00.005-04:00

trying to think of all that has happened worth mentioning, i got pics and videos and stuff, let's see what we can do here .... in no particular order ....

- drank absinthe with gino on my 30th birthday in brussels. we decided there wasn't any wormwood in it so we would not get all crazy, etc. had a couple glasses, went home, hit a spliff a few times, and then went to bed since i had been pretty sick with a nasty cold. i swear i had the most fucked up in-and-out-of-sleep waking nightmares/visions for a while, to the point of me being like "there had to be SOMETHING in dat shiiiii" and in the morning i looked up the brand and they def had wormwood up in that bitch. gino didn't seem to trip off it, but i am half his size and sick and weak and probably drunker so, ya know, whatever. one dream was trying to pour water in this baby's mouth and i just couldn't do it. side note: the baby belonged to my homegirl missy thangs. she don't got no baby in real life, tho. aw man, weird omen? i swear i am not the father. (haha, just fucking with you, kiddo, you not even reading this.)

- show in The Hague was cool, this couple could not stop making out and i fucked with them a bunch, danced on them and got all up in their shit ... their passion could not be quelled. here is a vid of me blowing a loud ass horn right in their fuckin heads and not getting a reaction at all:

i need to stress how loud that horn was, you can see a guy in the crowd look screw-faced from it as i creep away, i guarantee you could hear that shit across the whole venue even with music blasting.

we played with the homeys schlachtofbronx from Munich and they were the shit and they got an EP out now with my homey spoek mathambo and you can download a rad mix of that shizz for free:

belly full of pills mix

- one weird thing is that in Tilburg, both gino and i ran into friends from back home, both randomly. we were at the train station looking for our driver and gino looked on this one platform and came upon a girl he knew from LA, apparently a good old friend. she came and kicked it with us for a bit.

then, outside the after party for the festival, we are getting ready to leave at one point (we end up coming back for too damn long), i hear this girl yell "jose huevos!!" which i am not triping on (the "jose" part) because who the fuck really knows me out here, but the way they yell it sounds too american ... turns out it is this girl i know from carrboro, north carolina! we aren't super tight or anything but we have danced together at several parties and always got along. it was too crazy for us to both run into people like that in a town that i can't say that i have ever really heard of before. she had a friend with her from greensboro who knew a lot of people that are friends of mine, it was cool to be plastered in a bar so far from home, with this guy 10 feet away, talking about all types of NC shit.

okay, peace for now, kids.

huevos out.

some travels

2009-09-17T19:14:00.011-04:00

so i was in europe exactly this same time last year. bout to turn 30 out here which raises those "what in the fuck am i doing with my life?" type thots but also makes me feel like i am "doing it" whatever the fuck it is.

i think my album TREASURE BATH comes out on the 20th.

right now i am in an attic room thing in a tall house-thing in brussels and trying to get started on the blog game again in the hopes that i will keep this up but based on how motivated i am to do this (not much) we'll see how it goes. some really rad folks put us up. we play in the netherlands tomorrow and then back to brussels and then back to the netherlands. and then back to the beach with annette funicello or however the fuck you spell that, go mickey mouse club, eat skippy. what?

the show in paris last nite at glazart was fun, i met a girl who knew L in Japanese when he was out here, the homeys Comic Strip (not linking everything like i used to, if you care, you will find shit) opened up and killed it, uptempo beats with some electro vibe to it so i didn't feel weird about going next. blew the plug for my vocal effector during soundcheck so i had to do a straight up "i'm a rapper" set (since i don't have any of my disco lights, either) which was a welcome change from my usual antics. the shirt came off for the last song but more for ceremonial reasons (?) than anything else. subtitle came right through after me and provided crazy bass as per usual.

here are dudes in the "fake" outside since some of these plants are plastic and what not, this picture is called "nature locs" by me because clearly we are nature locs. we listen to tone loc and talk about bushes and leaflets and rocks.

i filmed videos and stuff of backstage nonsense but i did it on a better video setting and they are just too big to post on this durn things so maybe i try to do some smaller sized ones.

so we stayed in a nice hotel room that had, like, one towel but a full set of dishes and a dishwasher and nice looking furniture and a view of the eiffel tower that was obstructed by buildings and grey clouds so it kind of just looked like some diesel cell phone tower or some alien outpost thing thing. the balcony sloped down and the shower was a slippery death slide but it was a room and not a couch, tho, big shouts to the homey Sax for taking me in and letting me eat tomatoes and bread at his house for a day and a half. good luck with the ID thing.

last anecdote: we get on the train to brussels, some lady with way too many kids that all seem to be the same age, i.e., too young to be on this fuckin train, is spread with her brood across our seats and another and is tripping and wont move and some other lady pretty pleases us to just sit somewhere else, which ends up not being terrible, but principle is principle or whatever, i'm sayin, them tickets is not cheap at ALL so gimme my shit, fuck your kids. sorry to all the "too many kid mommies" out there, but dont sit in my seat, sit in the one YOU paid for. sorry, i'm sweaty and tired from my ball and chain. (see last paragraph)

so we get to the train station which happens to be of the same name as the metro station we are supposed to meet our ride at. our phones are not working for various crev circumstances we do not understand. after 30 minutes of not knowing what the fuck to do, i convince some nice flemmish ladies to let me make a local call on their cell phone, while a certain rapper i may or may not be on tour with is 10 feet behind me, smoking a J of some killer chronic with a pair of slick looking latino dudes who got beers and a lot of questions for the jovial fella they are blazing with. the flemmish lady meanwhile is not very good at french or english and is having a tough time communicating with caroline (our friend who is scooping us), and said flemmish lady's friend just seems very disappointed with me. we realize that we are supposed to go to the METRO station of the same name, directions i basically ignored when i saw the name of the train station. we figure it out and make it to the place.

i might add that i am SPENT from rolling this gigantic suitcase around that apparently has some safety razors, a bottle of shampoo and a bottle of conditioner, some jeans, and the 95 t shirts i brought. gino has a colossal duffel bag right now the size of a baby elephant and the 2 of us are straight bearing crosses across the land. one of my wheels is slowly breaking, as is my will.

2009-08-25T20:08:00.000-04:00

2009-08-15T17:55:00.006-04:00

brand new and FREE download from yours truly, a super fresh EP featuring the fav producers that i work with.

re: the cover ....

photo/design: meredith jenkins
concept: jon gregory
model: ashley byrd
lights/shower spraying: jake neal

download me here, in the EP section ....

and while you are there, don't forget to cop my full length mixtape if you haven't already. there is also a gang of other free stuff for you to download from my record label, so don't be shy .... greed is good. stock up!

city of angels

2009-08-11T01:41:00.004-04:00

i'm too tired to blog about my time in LA, but its awesome.

follow me on twitter if you really want to know what's going down ....

tweet tweet tweak

otherwise, peep game, this is tomorrow:

currently in the studio with Mild Davis at my homey Raker's studio on Sunset .... makin a beat, drinkin coffee, recording farts ....

the BFFs go to Greensboro

2009-06-22T22:43:00.011-04:00

so yesterday i did the radio show with George Brazil i attempted to promote all over the internet. it had its rough spots but was pretty hype considering the set up and the fact that we had only one glorified practice beforehand that was peppered with chronic, champagne, random missions, and 5 hours of driving on my part. it was a good experiment for us debuting it like that on the radio.

there were some interesting moments for me that nite .....

i arrived still hashed-out feeling, looking for the mexican spot i'm meeting GB at. i come around a corner and hear an abbreviation of my gov't name being uttered ... i turn and see the homey L in Japanese, an OG of the chapel hill hip-hop scene.

he now lives in GSO. we palaver for a moment. he keeps staring at the many-shades-of-pink colored fabric creeping out of my shoes. i begin to question my latest obsession of wearing socks meant for little girls. they are just so comfortable in the summer, like they dont even exist, and they come in all these crazy colors and i get them for a dollar a pair at Roses and i had just bought those that day. the combination of that and my short shorts and backpack and water bottle with finger loop have me lookin like i don't know what, but i roll with it.

i get to the joint and i end up getting a miller lite in a small jar for $2.25 and then on the way out i see the special of a pint of shiner bock for $1.50. i got money in my wallet, but it annoys me for about 3 seconds until i realize that i prob would have got the miller lite anyway cause im just a freak like that.

i want to blaze but i got no piece. GB has some red bull colas, tho. aiight then. since i always have a knife on me, the alterations will be easy. and the contraption will be disposable.

i need to find a place outside the building to handle this but i am right in the middle of downtown GSO. i am feeling kinda edgy from my red bull. i leave the building bound for some empty courtyard i saw out the window and immediately hone in on the crev spot. i creep behind some electrical boxes or whatever, and based on the all the cig butts and candy wrappers i am not the first person to hang back here. it's totally the type of place i would piss, i am seriously one of the best public urinators that i know. anyways, i expect to see someone smoking crack and/or drinking listerine back there, but no one pops up and asks me for a favor.

i do what i needed to do and stomp the can.

GB djs for a bit and is on point. we do the show. hilarity ensues, at least for us. afterwards, the program director comes in and sees me standing there with my shirt off, sweating. i needed to get into character, i guess. he has seen me play before so it is not as awkward as it could have been.

we actually get 2 calls from california, different dudes, both who tuned in and dug it. i speak to one for a minute. he seems inspired, which is turn inspiring for me. reachin em. briefcase represent.

i want to catch one again before i drive home. i rinse out GB's red bull can and get ready for round 2. this time i am posted in my car parked on the street. its dark outside now. i lean back in my seat, clocking for cars HARD. i feel secure and get one and then go for another and swear that i am in the middle of some crev business as a cop drives by me hella slow. i do that thing where you hold it in and hold still as fuck and wait for them to drive past and then i exhaled. they keep going mad slow and after a sec, appear to be turning around. i crush the can in my hand, toss it out the window, and haul ass into some neighborhood i know nothing about. i am wigged out and pull over at one point to toss my backpack with illicit horseradish jar in the trunk. a series of turns and a phone call with GB later, i am back on the road.

i recently broke my ipod connector-tape-thingy by getting out the car with my ipod in my lap and breaking off the thing that you plug into the ipod. what do you call that anyway? do i know and just can't remember? so i been listening to straight up tapes lately (guns n roses and voivod). i start rewinding my Use Your Illusion 2 tape and about halfway through, my stereo loses its cool and spits the tape out. what has apparently happened is that the tape deck part has gone nuts and froze up and the radio cannot be turned off. fortunately, i have figured out how to turn the stereo down again. for a while no matter what direction you turned it, it just got louder and louder. but now, if i crank it really hard to the side, i can get it to turn down. after 20 minutes of loud radio rap, i decide i have had enough and turn it down completely.

huevos out.

PS George Brazil DJs on WUAG 103.1 in Greensboro, NC every other sunday nite from 7 - 10. they support me and you should support them.

WATCH THIS

2009-05-01T11:08:00.005-04:00

i know i haven't been the bloggiest of bloggers as of late, but this video below is like a blog entry. pass it on to your friends.

for blogs from me and the coolest kids in the universe, go here.

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN

2009-04-06T15:23:00.002-04:00

dear cocksucker(s),

thank you for your excellent design of hwy 85 in NC. you are an inspiration to us all. i am so glad that you set up a system of confusing highway exits so that a normal commuter such as myself who has driven the same route thousands of times still gets lost on the way back from downtown durham. fortunately, you have made it so that when one DOES miss their exit, they get the benefit of cruising miles and miles without any hope for redemption. nothing like passing the day with big rigs and power lines with no chance for escape. missing an exit could/should/would be considered the fault of the driver, sure, but as a reward for our stupidity, you have given us clueless motorists the benefit of NO MOTHER FUCKING EXITS until we are deep in the heart of what may or may not be hillsborough. i would love to meet you (y'all?) in person and shake your hands and pat your backs and give you money and hookers and bottles of champagne because i truly love you and i have no desire at all to shoot you in the fucking face for the number of times i have had a fucking coronary for being "lost at sea" on your god damn fucking stupid stupid stupid prison of a fucking road. fuck you fuck you fuck you, and i mean that with the best of intentions. may your lives feel like one long and endless journey, much like the one you have created for the citizens of North Carolina.

love,

j waves

my sister in JUXTAPOZ

2009-03-25T18:16:00.003-04:00

hey homeys, click this ma fucka to be wowed, my sis is on the grind.

tell em, kanye

2009-03-15T11:48:00.003-04:00

so my homey mild davis put me on the 2008 wrap up, which if you don't know what it is, just watch this, the MC formerly known as Mad Skillz doin his rundown of the antics of the previous year (he been doing these for a while now, last year's was AWESOME) .... anyways, i heard the track before i saw this video and i had to google half the things he was talking about ....

i can't believe that ME of all people had no idea about the Soulja Boy/Ice T beef thing .... i like both those guys, honestly, but even though Ice T IS an old ass man, that guy HAS made so many contributions to the game, you can't knock him even though he did make Cop Killer and now he plays one on TV, that's hustlin right?!?!? shouts to all the SVU fans!!! (and speaking of hustlin, peep the video below ..... me and the homey Crash Overdrive from b.e.a.r. doing big thangs, the vid is dark, but you will get the idea) but what inspired me to write this blog is this quote from Kanye ... this is the exact same shit i say to people everyday, not so much the comparing Soulja Boy to Nas part, um yeah, but the general bullet point of "ain't no fuckin rules to this shit" .... it's 2009 mother fuckers!!!!

“Soulja boy is fresh as hell and is actually the true meaning of what hip hop is sposed to be. He came from the hood, made his own beats, made up a new saying, new sound and a new dance with one song. He had all of America rapping this summer. If that ain’t Hip Hop then what is? A bunch of wannabe keep it real rappers that ain’t even relevant, recycling samples trying to act like it’s 96 again and all they do is hate on new shit? Niggas always talk about the golden age but for a 13 year old kid, this is the golden age!!! That song was so dope cause everything he said had a hidden meaning… that’s Nas level shit… he just put it over some steel drums which is also some Nas shit if you had the 2nd album cassette with the bonus track “Silent Murder” on it. In closing… new niggas get ya money$$$$$$$$$$ Keep this shit fresh and original…. ain’t no fuckin’ rules to this shit and that’s what real hip hop is to me”

more LIVING DEAD freestyles ....

2009-03-10T15:40:00.001-04:00

drop it like it's not

2009-03-10T12:01:00.006-04:00

so as i freak out about my life and what i'm doing and should i move to europe or LA or just kill myself, i am starting to go through my "shit" and determine what i really need to keep and what i need to throw out/give away/burn (oh the poems i wrote in high school, i was so delicate) and yesterday i came across a very heavy box full of my collected baseball cards and stamps (the Garbage Pail Kids are somewhere else, though i am happy to say i still have the ENTIRE first series in mint condition if anyone wants to pony up, like, a couple G's or something for it - and that's "thousands", not "gangsters") and yeah, the box fell to the floor and spilled so i had to go through everything as i put it away, duh, so for serious, there are baseball cards in there that used to be worth $$$ and now no one gives a FUCK!!! remember this one?

what did this fucker do again? cork his bat? and what about this one?

that joint used to have mad trading weight!! now it's garbage. it was listed at 17.95 on one site, which is actually a lot better than i thought it would be, but still, that shit used to cardboard gold to collectors! way to go, you juicer fuck. i have a 1961 willie mays that is only, like, 40 bucks! less i think, i can't even remember!!! why am i saving this shit!!! barry bonds, frank thomas .... skybox basketball cards!! remember those??? rookies for vlade divac, david robinson, shawn kemp ... the david robinson card is 3 bucks!!! "buy it now" for three fuckin buxxxxx ... the fact alone that i have had something in a shoe box since 1990 should make it more than three bucks ... a used tissue from 1990 should be worth more than 3 bucks, that's almost 20 years old!!! it's a fuckin antique!! don't even get me started on the comic books .... everyone wants to slap the shit out of their mom for throwing away that box in the attic with the Nolan Ryan rookie, but why? cause you could have sold it for a million dollars and retired from your job as a copy machine repair man? no way, dude, no one cares. brooks robinson, warren spahn, robin roberts, the eric davis rookie, the rod carews, the mother fuckin will clarks and the carl yaztremskis (sp?) and the error cards and the, uh, i dunno, remember when kirk gibson hit that grand slam or some shit and he was hype for a second, mother fuckin 1986 o-pee-chee Wally Joyner .... apparently my tony gwynn rookie is worth about 40 but i can never find it, wonder if i traded it for bitch ass ken griffey, ruinyourcarrer.

of course, it would be in total Jonny G fashion for me to have all the cards that just don't make it into that first tier, hence all my collections, i was always just not quite good enough or willing to spend the money for the real bangers, always a wannabe faking it like i knew what i was doing, much like the music "career" i seem to have fooled some of y'all that i possess when in reality i am no different than the kid trying to trade his Devon Whites and Willie McGees for Reggie Jacksons and Roberto Clementes .....

classic freestyle

2009-02-13T13:20:00.005-05:00

where's your dick? here is a classic freestyle from the famed Living Dead days with the scoundrel Jake Dead (Jake Flex at the time, and still to some) .... no link cause our myspace hasn't been updated in at least 2 years or more ..... we think this is from 2004. this was also when i lived with Uncle Tane, supreme godfather of the Nodcraft Foundation.

i don't think someone had suggested this topic, i think i just went with it ... this is at the old Go! Studios space (did it have that exclamation point in the title? looks so, you know, Panic! At The Disco or whatever the fuck ....)

notice what an MC i am, what with all the hand moving and crooked tan hat wearing ... and the rampant cussing and arrogant MC-on-a-freestyle-tirade voice .... oh, and to think what i have become..... runnin around like a lil fruity dance party kid, my one-balled package smooshed into some scandalously tight jeans, my hi-tops more and fitted hats so much more expensive than my khakis and shelltoes .... i bet some loyal hip hop dudes driving around listening to Hieroglyphics would love to kick me in the shins with their Timbalands ... the sad thing is, i'll still rap so much better than them. sucks, doesn't it?

(ha, i just wrote that to be funny because i don't even care anymore .... i make music. fuck being hard.)

huevos out

from my email archives ....

2009-02-11T11:24:00.007-05:00

oh gmail, i love you so. whenever i have to email somebody something and they still have a yahoo or hotmail or earthlink (????) account, i just feel sorry for them and their puny, unorganized inboxes. anyways, recent searches through old emails have turned up some gems of correspondence.

10/26/07 - here is an email from me to Pink Motor Monster Uno Dose aka Shane from the Dynamite Brothers. (sorry Mickey, those were tougher times, hit me on my boost mobile and we can talk about it.)

read the bully i just posted off the page .... yeah, saw those emails, we'll see, one of those bytches is fine as fuck! fuck mickey avalon! i met this band Arizona workin at 506, one of the dudes listened to my myspace page, heard the mickey avalon line and said he wasn't fit to lick the jizz crust off my toilet seat! but yeah, no need to convince me, let's recruit em, all day, bo!!! PS male cheeerleaders would be nuts, but don't know how we are going to pull that one off ......

12/06/05 - here is an email to a girl i used to really love and now i want to "accidentally" push off a roof onto something that will cushion her fall enough to just make it hurt really bad and i think she is getting married and i don't "wish her the best" at all but really, i'm just jaded because she doesn't/didn't fall for my shit like other girls do and the one time i could have really given it to her i was WAY too stoned and nervous and young and dumb, so who's fault is that? mine, totally. still, she's a bitch. here is something from an email about her butt, and in it (the email, not her butt) i swear that i "read this on the internet" and i even provide a link (that doesn't work anymore) but to know me and read this ..... it is obvious that i wrote it though i have no recollection of the context. (editor's note: she really does have a super sweet butt, tho.) the subject heading was "8 uses for your ass" and here is the list:

1. pillow

2. oxygen mask

3. bean bag chair

4. tomahawk (?)

5. hand strengthener (kneading mode only)

6. ED visual aid

7. big brother/sister

8. mittens

10/19/08 - as i was lookin for a link to "jizz in my pants", everyone's favorite PMM rip-off (if you don't know what i mean by that, one day i will explain how Pink Motor Monsters are the most influential group that no one beyond 6000 - 7000 myspace friends ever heard of, and yet steered the course of modern dance music), i found a funny email. (editor's note: coincidentally, that was also how i found the first email mentioned here, hence the rampant use of the word "jizz" in this post) here is an excerpt:

i did make my train, but it was soooooo frustrating this morning. there was like a marathon or some race or community running thing goin up the street, people with bike shorts and numbers on their backs and guards (?) or cops or whoever directing traffic, and every once in a while some bearded freak dressed all in black with a huge backpack joggin along with them (never for very far), huffing and puffing and reeking of beer and jizz and 2 days worth of sweaty t shirt. you were right, the walk/jog DID seem like a VERY long time ..... i prob got to gare de lyon at 11:45 .... gino basically said "you got here right when she said you would." he also asked if i Supermanned you. i just said, "ha" or something like that and continued my very fast walk to the train cause i wanted to go to the bathroom.

***********************************************************************

ok folks, stay tuned for more blogs like this and some more music promo action soon, as well as a link that will blow your mind .... all in the next week, right here on

LIFE

IS

LIKE

MY

COCK

ON

CHOCOLATES!!!!!

good night, y'all.